Figuring Things Out
by anillani
Summary: Masahiro's POV. An introspective look on Masahiro's mental state throughout the show. Very very light angst.


**AN: Hello! This is my first Hitorijime My Hero fic! I just wanted to touch a bit on Masahiro's mental state throughout the show. Hope you enjoy :D**

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I'm pulled into an embrace as soon as I walk into the Oshiba's front door.

"Happy anniversary, Kousuke-san," I say, hugging back with a grin.

"You beat me to it," Kousuke pouts. "Happy anniversary." I chuckle as he pulls himself away and guides me to the living room.

/\/\/\

Kousuke and I have been going out for two whole years. I never realize how much I've changed since back then. We've been through so much together, and I've been through a lot on my own, as well. A lot of times back then, I felt so helplessly alone, regardless of whether I was or not. Despite this, I've been able to get over my issues the past couple of years. Of course, I'm not fully over everything, but there's been progress on both my end and Kousuke's.

Our relationship used to make me so uneasy. I had such an intense fear of getting caught that I didn't appreciate the time we spent together nearly as much as I should have.

 _"Whenever we're alone, I overanalyze things"_

It really started to become a greater concern when it began to effect people other than Kousuke. Us being together shouldn't have caused anybody else a hassle. The last thing I've ever wanted to do is be a bother; I don't want to make others worry. I constantly kept my feelings inside out of fear that my friends would fret. Kousuke hates it when I do that. He can't stand not being involved, which really taught me that it's okay to rely on the ones I love, and that they'd rather that.

 _"'You've always been like that! Suffering, enduring everything on your own! Have you ever thought about how I feel watching you go through that?! Don't you realize why I did all this to intervene?! I can't just stand by while the person I like is suffering right there in front of me!'"_

I never realized it at the time, but I definitely had difficulties managing my anxiety. I was able to get my mind off of it occasionally by incessantly cleaning, but it never lasted.

When I was stressed, I wouldn't tell my friends or Kousuke what was bothering me, causing me to panic and end up hurting them with unintentionally callous words.

 _"I could have picked a better way to say it. But I just freaked out like always"_

And it's not like I wished to act this way. It just ended up happening, and I hated it, especially with Kousuke. The constant misunderstandings and miscommunications with him nearly tore us apart. No matter how much unconditional love he showed me, I just couldn't seem to accept that I was loved or that anyone cared.

 _"'If you have to quit your job because of me. I'll fall apart'"_

 _"'If that happens, I'll still accept you for the broken, grumbling person you are. Nothing I have is more important than you!'"_

 _"I wish I could say the same back to you. Even when I'm this uneasy, when my heart hurts this much, even though I want to protect you, when you say those words to me… 'I'm scared'"_

My guess is that all of these mental problems partially stem from my parental figures, or lack thereof. My mother has always been uninvolved in my life. She's never around, forcing me to care for myself. And it's not like I have a father that I know, either. I'm pretty sure I was an accident with some unnamed client, not that it matters. Not having significant parental love growing up probably screwed me over; I'm an anxious wreck with all of these illogical insecurities and fears.

Though, I used to think that I was at least lucky enough that my mother took care of me at all.

 _"'I'm just glad she's putting a kid like me through school'"_

Anxiety wasn't my only downfall; self-doubt was pretty prevalent as well. I never thought I was good enough, and still have those uncertainties, even now. I find myself thinking, "Do I really deserve people like Kousuke, Kensuke, and even Hasekura? Do any of them truly care?" I like to say I'm getting better, which isn't totally a lie, but in all honesty, it's partially to make them worry less. I mean, it's not like mental illness just disappears overnight. And no matter how many times I say it, Kousuke doesn't seem to get that you can't just love clinical disorders away, either. I appreciate the effort, but it doesn't always help.

Regardless, these thoughts have been with me for as long as I can remember. Back when I was Kousuke's "underling", I was so conscious of all of my mistakes. I didn't want to let him down, in fact, I was genuinely petrified of it.

 _"'I got number four wrong even though you just helped me with it yesterday. I'm your underling, yet…'"_

I've always thought lowly of myself. It's not like I'm anything special. I used to think that Kousuke could fix me, that he was my hero coming to save the day. The fact is that I used to think I needed fixing.

 _"'Your teaching got through to a failure like me and really turned me around for the better'"_

Honestly, Kousuke has taught me so much about myself and about life in general. I know how to handle my anxiety and stress, and he showed me how to love myself and rely on others. I'm so lucky to have such a person in my life. Even though he's not perfect, not a hero I had spent my childhood disregarding the existence of, not without his own problems, he was able to show me what it's like to be loved, and to be in love.

/\/\/\

Kensuke and Hasekura are upstairs, so it's just Kousuke and I in the living room. I absent-mindedly pet the cat after sitting on the sofa, watching as my lover sits next to me. I find myself smiling just looking at him. "What are you grinning at?" he questions.

"Nothing, just…" My cheeks heat slightly as I peck his lips. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Everything, I guess. I love you, Kousuke."

"I love you too, Masahiro."

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 **AN: Thanks for reading! I might make this into an actual multi-chapter fic if enough people like it. Review if you please! :)**


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